Best make-up letters ever (3)


Dear Cathy,

I don’t want a divorce. We can work things out can’t we? I’m sure we can get back to where we were, once you get out of the burn unit and get a new hip. Your hair will also grow back eventually, and if it doesn’t: I’ll buy you a top of the line wig — you can even pick the color!

I have already super-glued your Tiffany lamp and all the bone china that you love so much. I haven’t been able to put together your piano yet, but I have bought you a Casio keyboard that you can use, while I figure that one out. This morning I was even able to dislodge the TV from the wall¬†— and miraculously it still works! I think it’s a sign!

I promise I won’t mix PCP, LSD, Guinness and Viagra ever again! I’m also working on anger management and I haven’t pummeled anyone for days. I did kick our neighbor’s cat back over the fence in the backyard this morning, but that was an accident, and he is healing nicely at the vet.

If you don’t fully trust me: I can build you one of those “panic rooms” that you can use until our relationship normalizes again. We can even put your new keyboard in there!

Let’s take another whack at it.

Your ever smiling,
Shamus.

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