Death by Christmas tree

  1. Never, ever, break all the branches off the tree to beat your ungrateful brats with the trunk on Christmas morning. A single branch from the top two-thirds of the tree is more suitable for this purpose.
  2. Never glaze Christmas tree ornaments with any kind of sweet sauces, as one of your children’s friends will be mentally slower than you would ever have expected. It’s a recipe for a disastrous play date…
  3. Never go close to the Christmas tree when smoking your crack pipe while operating a blowtorch. Especially if it’s mid-July and your tree is still up.
  4. When having a big Christmas party and someone finds a dead squirrel in the tree: don’t try and show-off by giving it mouth-to-snout or anything stupid like that. It’s rodent and it could be a carrier of all kinds of nasty diseases. Simply flush it down the toilet like the rest of us do.
  5. Never leave those cheque envelopes from grandma and grandpa in the tree, as you will forget about them. However, your children will not forget about them and they will for a year try to climb into every garbage truck that comes by your house.
  6. If one of your very buff and very drunk brother-in-laws wants to climb to the top of the tree and kiss the pretty angel or star – let him. It might save you from a deadly beating.
  7. Don’t jokingly shake the tree if one of the kids goes missing as he or she might just be in it and could¬†fall down awkwardly. Instead try and coax the kid out of hiding with an episode of Scooby-Doo or by playing a Clay Aiken CD.
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