Features missing from iPods

  1. Gives you hickeys if Luther Vandross songs are played.
  2. Giggles hysterically if someone chooses to play anything by Eminem.
  3. If dropped on the floor: the casing cracks and it starts playing Britney Spears tunes.
  4. Self-destructs if Nick Lachey songs are downloaded to it.
  5. Starts smoking and throws up battery acid on your shoes if a Lindsay Lohan song is selected.
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