Future news – November 3, 3106

  1. World War XXVI is on!
    Reminder: World War XXVI starts tomorrow at noon. Everyone is encouraged to check the batteries in their phasers.
  2. Shopping season starting early.
    ‘The-holiday-formerly-known-as-Christmas’ shopping season is starting to pick up already and the biggest sellers are predicted to be ‘Torture Me Elmo v2.0′, ‘Anabolic man-eating Barbie’ and ‘Twister for mutants’.
  3. Smoking never caused cancer!
    It has finally been scientifically proven: smoking never caused cancer. It was all the nagging; whining and bitching that caused the disease.
  4. Massacre at PLBA game – 163 dead and 1204 injured!
    The Professional Lawn Bowling Association is again shamed when fans of Vermont Gramps and Maine Hags clashed before the championship game yesterday, in Montpellier. “It was a blood bath: people were going at each other with walkers, crutches and artificial limbs. I have never seen anything like it!” said sheriff Malcolm Smith.
  5. Cinnamon buns to be banned?
    Right-wing Christian lobby groups are now looking for the government to ban cinnamon buns. They claim that the baked goods are one of the major enablers of lewd sexual behavior amongst preschoolers.
  6. Threat of separation again…
    The 51st. state of United States of McDonald’s is looking for their independence again. “You should never have outlawed toques —It’s friggin’ freezing up here!” (Governor Bob McKenzie of Canada).
  7. Ceremony on the White House lawn.
    The last piece of wood in the universe was yesterday rammed through the heart of bum-turned 43rd. President-turned vampire, at a ceremony on the White House lawn.
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