- “After 18 hours of surgery we are happy to report that they were able to save the cuter one of the conjoined twins.”
- “The animal shelter luckily burned to the ground 3 hours after all the cats and dogs had been put to death due to horrible skin infections.”
- “Our CNN expert scientists are now positive that the bird flu virus only affects Blackjack dealers, Norwegians and dumb people.”
- “The LAPD is very happy to report to CNN that Los Angeles Lakers’ Kobe Bryant hasn’t been brought in on rape charges for over two weeks!”
- “Ba-Da-Bing! The Screen Actors Guild has unanimously voted to force Bruce Willis to shave his eyebrows off to limit transgender sexual confusion in movie theatres!”
