- Picking a date when the moon is getting bigger – alternatively: picking a date when the bride’s mother is vacationing in Jamaica.
- The bride wears a white dress – alternatively: her mother wears an orange jumpsuit.
- The woman who puts the veil on the bride is happily married – alternatively: the best man happily locks her mother into the old trunk in the attic.
- Wearing earrings will bring the bride good luck – alternatively: it will bring the groom good luck if her mother is in a hospital emergency room with split eardrums.
- Seeing lambs, doves, wolves, spiders or toads on the way to church – alternatively: seeing the bride’s mother being mauled by a pack of badgers.
