Helpful pointers I would love to hear expressed by Dr. Phil

  1. My wife tries to tell me things all the time, but it does not mean I have to listen to everything the crazy coked up wench is telling me. Just the other day she told me that I should wear a condom because I was having a mild herpes outbreak. Wtf?
  2. Your children do not need to starve in this day and age… There is great money to be made as a freak show stripper, truck stop prostitute, or an ass-to-mouth-only-actress in the adult film industry.
  3. I realize I should be shocked and outraged, but you are without a doubt the sauciest underage whore I have even seen. In fact, had I not been the famous talk show host, I would already have you gagging like a bulimic Mary Kate Olsen.
  4. Your family is the catalyst for your weight problem. If I killed them all, you would have to walk your fat ass down to KFC yourself. Face facts! You are nothing but a fat, lazy and drunken welfare leach who needs to grow the hell up!
  5. You need to wake up! Your man is not right for you! There are options, sweetie pie! Why do you not try to have sex with farm animals instead? There is nothing like soft little whiskers tickling the insides of a pair of well-shaven thighs.
  6. It does not matter what you say to him or what you tell your friends. You have to show that you love your freaky little midget, by doing something he wants – yes, you need to have that bowel movement on his chest!
  7. There seems to be some confusion here… ‘Fucking’ somebody is not love! That is like smoking your bong and eating all the chocolate cookies on your own, without sharing any with the friends who are letting you sleep in their trailer.
  8. My problem is this: you say your husband abuses you when he makes you do sick and depraved sexual acts in public places, but you whine even more when he strings up your sister in his dungeon… Why? The latter does not even have anything to do with you!
  9. Most sex therapists would recommend you to abide your time and use a water-based lubricant. I completely disagree! It will me much less painful for you if you first smoke a wile of crack and then take a mild laxative. Be realistic please — your boyfriend is hung like a donkey!
  10. Shaking an infant is never a good idea, ok? Had you only talked to a family member or a neighbor, they would have told you to hit your baby with a soft slipper or a box of Kleenex to minimise the risk of brain damage.
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