How to tell if your mall Santa is a cokehead

  1. There are large barren areas without any artificial snow where Santa works.
  2. There’s a musty petting-zoo-like smell coming from Santa’s sweat-soaked suit. It has also started taking on a greenish hue.
  3. Difficult to tell where Santa’s hat ends and where the beard begins, due to numerous and excessive nosebleeds.
  4. Santa’s pupils are dilated to the point where they are easily mistaken for those belonging to a reindeer.
  5. There’s a sign that says: “Picture with Santa: $2… Blowjob by Santa: $5…”
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