Miracles I have performed that could make me a saint in the future

  1. I polished off a bottle of Talisker and some Belgian monastery beers, and still cooked a turkey dinner!
  2. When I was 18 I could hold an erection for hours on end and still line dance without any problems what so ever.
  3. One of the women lost her bikini top during water gym at our pool, and I didn’t stare or smile for more than 2 minutes!
  4. When our neighbor’s house burned to the ground, and threatened ours: I didn’t take The Lord’s name in vain more than 349 times!
  5. I didn’t marry my first real girlfriend even though she could suck dry a soaked cardigan (or anything else) in less than a minute, if simply asked kindly.
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