More realistic New Year’s Eve resolutions

  1. I will not smoke after the stroke of midnight… unless I’m having a drink.
  2. I will exercise daily… if I don’t have anything better to do.
  3. I will no longer make fun of your mother… straight to her face.
  4. I will not cheat on you again… unless I’m 100% sure I won’t get caught.
  5. I will not download porn… until I get high speed Internet access.
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