My New Year’s Eve resolutions

  1. I promise to finish my 24 oz. slab of medium-rare prime rib whenever I order it.
  2. I promise that I won’t share a bottle of Lagavulin with anyone who doesn’t appreciate it.
  3. I promise I won’t cover my eyes and step on the gas when someone tries to cut ahead of me at four-way stops (whenever I have kids in the car).
  4. I promise I will do my best to try and make it to the toilet before throwing up, whenever I’m channel surfing and happen to see Rosie O’Donnell.
  5. I promise I won’t watch a NBA game again next year even though¬†players stop doing drugs and raping women.
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