- Fatten up your midsection and widen your butt by eating salamis, cashews in bulk and bacon-wrapped hamburger steaks with every meal.
- Eat chocolate bars for breakfast to give your skin that slimy-frog-look, which also feels like Feta cheese to the touch.
- Have your haircuts at the Salvation Army… And instead of using shampoos and conditioners: use industrial strength hand soap to give your hair a less spectacular matte and frizzy look.
- Quality and well fitting garments are out… Instead dress like it’s 1973 and you are going camping.
- Never buy designer scents again… Explore oriental convenience stores for illegally imported products that are both affordable and versatile (some can be used as scents as well as a spice to spruce up your salami, cashew, bacon and hamburger meat stir fry).
- Talk Ebonics but also insert a random German curse word at the end of each sentence.
- Use Christmas ornaments as your body jewelry.
