Non-beauty tips to make yourself less attractive

  1. Fatten up your midsection and widen your butt by eating salamis, cashews in bulk and bacon-wrapped hamburger steaks with every meal.
  2. Eat chocolate bars for breakfast to give your skin that slimy-frog-look, which also feels like Feta cheese to the touch.
  3. Have your haircuts at the Salvation Army… And instead of using shampoos and conditioners: use industrial strength hand soap to give your hair a less spectacular matte and frizzy look.
  4. Quality and well fitting garments are out… Instead dress like it’s 1973 and you are going camping.
  5. Never buy designer scents again… Explore oriental convenience stores for illegally imported products that are both affordable and versatile (some can be used as scents as well as a spice to spruce up your salami, cashew, bacon and hamburger meat stir fry).
  6. Talk Ebonics but also insert a random German curse word at the end of each sentence.
  7. Use Christmas ornaments as your body jewelry.
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