Personals by wildlife

  1. Newly relocated single black bear seeks a female familiar with South-Eastern Alaska, for companionship. She should enjoy blueberries, and killing small rodents and shitting in the woods.
  2. Gray squirrel looking for other gray squirrels, who know other gray squirrels, to clean out the Eastern seaboard of red squirrels. Must be good at avoiding speeding cars and kids with BB guns.
  3. Single black and white raccoon looking for a strong male to tip garbage cans with. He must enjoy late night snacks, licking left out barbecue utensils and staring at people in contempt.
  4. Young bat looking for new buddies to hang around with. They should enjoy the small things in life: mosquitoes, flies and moths. Have my own bat colony — not interested in cuddles and group defecation.
  5. Beta-male hippo looking for a new non-discriminating, wide-assed lady friend who loves it big and rough. She needs to have incredible hind legs as I weigh almost 6000 lbs. and have a poor sense of balance.
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