Probably perfectly nice people who I don’t trust

  1. People who wear ski masks and have lots of play dough strapped to their torsos.
  2. Big-breasted waitresses who have nervous ticks, the hiccups and skip-rope over to the table where I’m seated.
  3. Catholic priests; especially the ones that wear t-shirts with prints featuring famous boy bands.
  4. Homeless people that call me by my first name and give me the thumbs-up while licking their lips seductively.
  5. Wal-Mart greeters that tell me to, “Take a goddamn shopping cart!” Even if I’m only dropping in for the Planters cashews and tampons that are on sale.
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