Reasons I wish I had so I didn’t have to go shopping with my wife tomorrow

  1. Lost both my legs when accidentally walking out into a minefield.
  2. Got hit by a snowplow and was thrown into an oncoming garbage truck.
  3. Had all my ribs broken after being brutally assaulted by a pack of vicious Marta Stewart look-alikes.
  4. Got lost at the zoo and ended up getting molested by a polar bear and a walrus.
  5. Have “more important” stuff to do…
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