Son, when I was your age…

  1. Bikes only had one wheel; and saddles weren’t invented until after I graduated high school. We also only had cobble stone roads back then, so when I tell you that peddling 10 miles to school (with a 60 lbs. school bag on your back) was a pain in the arse – I really mean it!
  2. We also didn’t have pet stores. If you wanted a pet, you had to catch an animal and tame it yourself. Pet food didn’t exist either, so your only options were to share your food, regurgitate some of it, or suffer through very painful breastfeedings.
  3. Girlfriends were only invented in 1984; and until that point we had to make due with cowboy hats, NASCAR and line dancing. “Going on a date” simply meant that there was somewhere you needed to be at a specific moment in time – like going to the village blacksmith to have a tooth removed, or to have a vasectomy.
  4. There were no McDonald’s, Burger King or Wendy’s… Hamburgers to us were just some rambunctious fellows from Germany. Your only options for cow flesh were: soup, ground, stew, jerky, roast or streak – and you had to club and prepare the animal yourself!
  5. We didn’t have TV or Cartoon Networks. The only fun we ever had was when our crazy neighbor was exorcised in the church basement, every Sunday after service. When I say “church”, I, of course mean the town infirmary where we asked for stuff that we never got – until the miracle of girlfriends in 1984.
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