Things I hope my wife will get me for Christmas

  1. Skin cream that enables me to grow a moustache like Borat’s.
  2. Gift certificates for “Moonlight Escorts”.
  3. Mint AC/DC T-shirt from the late 1970s (to replace the one she cleaned the oven with last spring).
  4. All National Geographic magazines ever published (which contain pictures of naked tribes people).
  5. Free passes for leaving the toilet seat up whenever I goddamn feel like it.
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