- Skin cream that enables me to grow a moustache like Borat’s.
- Gift certificates for “Moonlight Escorts”.
- Mint AC/DC T-shirt from the late 1970s (to replace the one she cleaned the oven with last spring).
- All National Geographic magazines ever published (which contain pictures of naked tribes people).
- Free passes for leaving the toilet seat up whenever I goddamn feel like it.
