Things I’m quite confident about

  1. I can beat Paris Hilton in a wrestling match – unless we was PCP.
  2. I can make a better mushroom-onion-cheese omelet than Regis Philbin – unless he has a horny Martha Stewart prepare one for him.
  3. I can keep my thighs closer together than both Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone - unless they go on a burger and gravy binge for a month.
  4. I can knock the jiffers out of Rosie O’Donnell in a heavyweight-boxing match – unless I had to wear a wig and people told her that I’m Donald Trump.
  5. I can easily club more seal pups per hour than Pamela Anderson – unless we had to do it while having our knees spread apart to an 80 to 90-degree angle.
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