Things that make Michael Phelps the best swimmer in the world

  1. Michael Phelps is able to use his enormous penis as a combined compass and rudder.
  2. His skull is not as elongated from human growth hormone use as those of other swimmers.
  3. He has huge lungs from years of “mating mermaids” play in the bathtub with his coach.
  4. His big feet give him the confidence to kick a lot of water and to get more hot and curious dates.
  5. His toilet lid-sized hands keep him high in the water, and teammates away from sponsors.
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