Things that make Michael Phelps the best swimmer in the world
- Michael Phelps is able to use his enormous penis as a combined compass and rudder.
- His skull is not as elongated from human growth hormone use as those of other swimmers.
- He has huge lungs from years of “mating mermaids” play in the bathtub with his coach.
- His big feet give him the confidence to kick a lot of water and to get more hot and curious dates.
- His toilet lid-sized hands keep him high in the water, and teammates away from sponsors.
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