Things that will always make you late for work

  1. Waiting for grandma to finish knitting you that toque, scarf, stocking and pair of mittens she started just before getting diagnosed with dementia, in 1972.
  2. Excusing yourself and quickly drinking 5-6 long Long Island ice teas when your wife says: “We need to talk…” or “I have been thinking…” or “My mom says you tried to push her down the stair…”
  3. Opening 5 bags of Lay’s potato chips and trying to eat only one… If you have a lot of toilet paper in the house – opening a total of 7 bags.
  4. Trying to figure out how Donald Trump keeps his whacked out hairdo together without any visible mousse, gel, spray or spit.
  5. Switching over to that great local French TV channel that only shows flexible women doing something that could be Yoga.
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