Things that would drive me crazy

  1. A very drunk Charlize Theron drives her car up on my lawn and rings the doorbell and tells me, “I’ll do anything if you don’t call the cops…” – on a night when my wife is home.
  2. I get amazingly drunk and get the courage to go streaking at a Canadians¬†vs. Maple Leafs game, but the hockey arena is so cold that the “shrinkage factor” makes me look like an ugly fat schoolgirl with extremely hairy legs.
  3. George W. Bush calls me and asks for ideas how to end the madness in Iraq, and I don’t have a noose to send him.
  4. Finally ending up in a Jacuzzi with the whole Buffalo Bills’ cheerleading squad and I happen to, by a million-to-one chance, wear my Green Bay Packers Speedo that day.
  5. Getting mad cow disease while one on my multiple personalities is suffering from advanced syphilis.
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