Things that would drive me crazy
- A very drunk Charlize Theron drives her car up on my lawn and rings the doorbell and tells me, “I’ll do anything if you don’t call the cops…” – on a night when my wife is home.
- I get amazingly drunk and get the courage to go streaking at a Canadians vs. Maple Leafs game, but the hockey arena is so cold that the “shrinkage factor” makes me look like an ugly fat schoolgirl with extremely hairy legs.
- George W. Bush calls me and asks for ideas how to end the madness in Iraq, and I don’t have a noose to send him.
- Finally ending up in a Jacuzzi with the whole Buffalo Bills’ cheerleading squad and I happen to, by a million-to-one chance, wear my Green Bay Packers Speedo that day.
- Getting mad cow disease while one on my multiple personalities is suffering from advanced syphilis.
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