Tips on how to spot a poor quality wine

  1. There’s cork in the wine even though the bottle is a screw-top.
  2. It doesn’t stain the carpet when spilled; instead it dissolves it and the parquet floor underneath.
  3. There’s no mention of a “Chateau” anywhere on the label. It only says, “Joe’s” -scribbled with a ballpoint pen.
  4. Dinner guest have on more than one occasion spontaneously combusted, or complained about nausea together with excessive nosebleeds.
  5. The wine comes in 5-gallon World War II era gasoline cans only.
  6. It’s very cheap… The local 7-Eleven also often gives it away as a gift when you buy some mystery meat cold cuts or illegally imported shampoos from China.
  7. There’s a bouquet… but it’s not anything like lavender, black current and elderberries. Your neighbors across the street describe the smell to the fire department as paint thinner and burnt popcorn with a hint of old dishrag.
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