Top 200 worst celebrity quotes (1-100)

  1. “The most romantic thing is to make love on a beach with no seagulls to shit on you.”
  2. “I hope to one day win an Oscar, or if worse comes to worst, one of those blow up mattresses at church bingo.”
  3. “It’s my nose! I can smell other player’s jockstraps from a mile away! That’s my real strength as a quarterback…”
  4. “I love traveling to New Zealand. Over there, I spend time in the pastures – wrestling and biting sheep!”
  5. “My whole life revolves around pork chops… I eat and wear them… Sometimes I even make sweet love to one!”
  6. “People find me cute even though I beat my servants with a rusty tail pipe from a 1972 Ford Pinto!”
  7. “I know I make sane people gag with the ‘schlock’ I perform, but I have bills to pay!”
  8. “I named my dogs after what I at the time thought were the Greek Gods ‘Herpes’ and ‘Syphilis.’”
  9. “I find inspiration and focus in nature, while catapulting unwashed homeless people over great distances!”
  10. “I own an apple orchard in California, which I frequent with my lady friends for orgies in vats of peel and pulp!”
  11. “When I’m not working I spend my days grooming the beards of homeless men – I love their toothless smiles!”
  12. “I have only been arrested once, for forcefully milking a hedgehog at a Hollywood Starbucks, but that’s it!”
  13. “I love this business! If I wasn’t an overrated actor, I would the guy that wet nurses other actor’s pets on set.”
  14. “I know that I will eventually win my very own Oscar to sit on, and it’s going to be sweet!”
  15. “Guys love my wet-camel-smelling aroma! Especially when they get a whiff of me from across the street!”
  16. “The Scientology ‘silent birth’ thing was a bunch of crap… Tom jumped up and down in bed like a retard!”
  17. “I used to have my socks baptized before wearing them but I’m medicated now. I still talk to spiders though!”
  18. “Being a director of a movie is more work than herding a bunch of stoned Hobbits into Mount Doom.”
  19. “I love killing and cooking things… With a good spice rack – any mammal can be turned in to a scrumptious meal.”
  20. “My career highlight was ‘A fish called Wanda’ where I had 163 takes smelling Jamie Lee Curtis’ boots.”
  21. “When not performing, I enjoy spending time with a couple of skinny white chicks and a big bucket of lard.”
  22. “You need to work hard if you want to make it as an actress… Being able to shoot ping-pong balls out of your vagina will only take you so far.”
  23. “People often confuse me for a well-basted Christmas turkey when I don’t wear a shirt. It sucks!”
  24. “I tried a ‘new’ goofy 80s hairdo to distract people from my horrible acting… But that didn’t work either!”
  25. “I hate to break it to the boys out there… But it’s true: I was a man once! In the Bronx I was called: Steve…”
  26. “Paying $3000 for lobster, caviar and champagne is well worth it if it’s for a good cause – or a good tax write off!”
  27. “I love chewing tobacco and fly-fishing more than life itself! Or as I say, ‘tobacco spit is the icing on the trout.’”
  28. “People respect me because I’m willing to take one for the team – on the field and if need be, in the showers after the games!”
  29. “I enjoy spending my spare time bass fishing, playing croquet and throwing pine cones at my kitten ‘Satan!’”
  30. “‘Brokeback Mountain’ changed my life! I never realized that a man’s lips and touch could be as soft as a woman’s.”
  31. “Part from his herpes and clinical obsession with my cellulites, Ashton Kutcher is a wonderful man-boy!”
  32. “I often get in to trouble with the law because I can’t pronounce my own name when drunk out of my mind.”
  33. “Being a spokeswoman for Weight Watchers gives my life meaning as I get to meet bigger lard arses than myself.”
  34. “I accidentally floated over from Cuba on a makeshift raft made out of Rum bottles – and I now star on ‘Lost’! How cool is that?”
  35. “Self-respecting women should only get naked in the privacy of their own home… or for a lot money or sushi!”
  36. “I gave up a promising curling career to become an actor, and I’m now almost a footnote in movie history!”
  37. “I like to eat a lot; and everything! If it moves I will step on it and put it in a blender and make an omelette!”
  38. “Biting the head off of something to stop if from moving, or barking – now, that’s real Chinese food!”
  39. “My best advice to other actors? Never ‘schtupp’ your agent until they get you a gig with Steven Spielberg!”
  40. “The bra is very important inventions as it enable women to compete in cheerleading and skip roping competitions on ESPN.”
  41. “I will date a lot of girls when I finally grow some body hair. Mom says I have a lot of lost time to make up for!”
  42. “Going from modelling to acting is hard work as it requires more talent and tougher skin on your knees.”
  43. “TV requires discipline! In fact, I would rather be on TV than at home playing with my knob on the days that it works.”
  44. “My only regret is not doing Jennifer Aniston at the time when she was putting out to anyone with a SAG card.”
  45. “I thought about calling myself ‘Ridiculous’ but my record label encouraged me to consider another name.”
  46. “I always carry a large rucksack with rhubarb wherever I go. When I get an anxiety attack, I sit on one.”
  47. “I love chess…. Well, chess pieces really… My favourite are the ponies, they are so cute! Sometimes I even lick them!”
  48. “Ketchup! I freaking love ketchup! I wash myself and my car with it, and sometimes I even eat it!”
  49. “Ok, so I love wearing licuorice panties… Big deal! Eminem and 50 Cent should mind their own business!”
  50. “Mine are real! Why would I go for floppy ones with inverted nipples if I paid for plastic surgery?”
  51. “I love acting because I get to do all kinds of nasty and disgusting things without suffering any consequences.”
  52. “In my spare time I teach homeless people how to make portable mansions out of cardboard.”
  53. “My dad is a famous Italian glass blower. My Thai mother plays the tuba… I know I can make it big in Hollywood!”
  54. “I can’t wait for Demi to be in her seventies! Bending an old hot lady over her walker has long been a dream of mine!”
  55. “I’m not a party freak! I prefer romantic nights at home with my Labrador Retriever and a jar of peanut butter.”
  56. “My hairy back used to scare off a lot of boyfriends when was in I my teens. But not that I’m D-list celebrity – it’s cool!”
  57. “I’m looking for other roles where I can bench press other people or their animals… I’m Xena goddamnit!”
  58. “I’m not retarded per se… Doctors graciously refer to me as being ‘happy – with licking himself tendencies.’”
  59. “I’m good at playing the violin and downing Southern Comfort shooters without projectile vomiting.”
  60. “I moved to The States to get away from the smell of Raclette cheese and all those unshaven Swiss legs!”
  61. “Other D-list celebrities are thinking about having car crashes too, as it worked so great for me!”
  62. “‘Q’Orianka’ is Hawaiian and means ‘she who will skin dolphins alive to get what she wants.’”
  63. “I credit my most interesting voice to always getting my lips stuck on everything as a child.”
  64. “My voiceover for ‘Puss in boots’ showed my depth – people no longer see me as an uptight grease ball.”
  65. “In the movie business it’s important to have a spine or you will be crawling a lot of vomit stained red carpets.”
  66. “I know that people often confuse me for a hobbit suffering from advanced syphilis – but really, I’m a rapper!”
  67. “I thank Voodoo for my career… Look at me! I’m black, floppy grandma boobs, cellulite butt – still kicking it!”
  68. “I know I’m hot… When I sweat through my shirt, dogs start licking themselves! Nuff’ said!”
  69. “I can’t afford jets like John Travolta but I can easily hire more hookers than my tongue can cope with. So, yes, life is good.”
  70. “I have thought about rhinoplasty but it’s just a question of time before I get my nose caught in a cab door again!”
  71. “I’m the only woman in Hollywood who can lick herself all-over. Some doctors think my father was an iguana!”
  72. “I’m a militant Christian and as often as I possibly can, I’m out preaching celibacy in LA area strip clubs.”
  73. “I will refuse toilet paper as long as child labour is used to roll up the paper. Kids should be making shoes!”
  74. “Every day I thank Christ the Lord for my career and finely shaped and ample buttocks.”
  75. “When I was younger I was always the ‘bell of the ball’ but since I took up acting it’s more ‘balls on my chin.’”
  76. “I was ashamed of my goofy face until I discovered that I had a mouth and a tongue there! Hollywood rules, man!”
  77. “I was born in Honolulu, Hawaii and I still love visiting for the scenery and turtle clubbing expeditions.”
  78. “At parties I often end up molesting people’s houseplants while wearing nothing but a thin layer of margarine.”
  79. “I hate ‘relaxing’ bike rides with the family – my husband is goddamn Lance Armstrong… I curse his wide thighs!”
  80. “I get laid despite a crooked face and unsightly warts… The secret is to simply make yourself available.”
  81. “Fresh blood from royal dogs, horses and goats is what keeps me going … Don’t diss it until you try it!”
  82. “It’s not all that well known but I enjoy regurgitating in other people’s aquariums! I’m also into ‘paint by numbers!’”
  83. “When I get bored I go to different banks and lick those courtesy ballpoint pens.”
  84. “Women in Hollywood demand equality! We should also be allowed to murder people and get away with it!”
  85. “I’m afraid of flying submarines and those trolls with the colourful funky hairdos… Thank God for Valium!”
  86. “I can get both knees to my ears! I tell you: that trick comes in handy when I’m bored in my trailer…”
  87. “My farts often smell life cupcakes, which many people find both confusing and comforting.”
  88. “I like to go out with my girlfriends and get drunk – not get laid – depressed — then we shave each others heads.”
  89. “The downside of being me is to look like a drug lord… The upside is rough body cavity searches at airports!”
  90. “It was either neurosurgery or acting… Being dumb as a 2-by-4, I figured acting would be my best bet.”
  91. “I don’t support the President and I don’t support our troops! I only support causes that involves Vaseline!”
  92. “I hope to one day become a real actor! I’m getting pretty tired of being the “sick Australian dude that does all the fecal stuff.”
  93. “I would enjoy playing a man, as I used to be one. A man turned woman playing a man… I don’t think that’s ever been done before!”
  94. “I was baptized ‘Canoe’ but I changed my name to ‘Sanoe’ because it simple made more sense.”
  95. “I’m tired of Los Angeles bars! Talking to underage girls with vomit on their shoes is only interesting for so long…”
  96. “Of course the name ‘Sokoloff’ will open a few doors. Especially with producers that are hard of hearing.”
  97. “The secret to making friends is to be accepting. As long as you don’t shit on one of my Persian rugs – you are in!”
  98. “Stupid press! When I said that I enjoyed kicking ‘chicks’ I meant ‘birds’ not ‘young females’!”
  99. “In the music industry is not about who you know… It’s all about who you are willing to do. I do… A lot…”
  100. “Success breeds success! I’m unstoppable right now… If I mated with an ugly-arse walrus – it would give birth to a cute seal pup!”
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