Top 200 worst celebrity quotes (101-200)

  1. “Fall season is beautiful… I cry when I see the leaves turn and homeless people preparing their dens for winter.”
  2. “People are very nice to me and they call me nice names like ‘apple tart’ or ‘that sweet tart.’”
  3. “I throw parties… wild parties! Once I even had Barbara Walters take a dump in my pool – now that’s wild!”
  4. “Driving a race car isn’t anymore difficult than driving an SUV while doing your own bikini wax.”
  5. “I prayed to God and I sold my soul to Satan at the same time, and the Germans ended up loving me!”
  6. “There’s a guy out there for me… A sweet guy who plays the guitar, cooks and doesn’t wear my pantyhose.”
  7. “As a counsellor in a maximum-security prison I saw enough dirty tattoos to last me a life time. I just loved them!”
  8. “On an acting scale I’m nothing more than a skidmark in Tom Cruise’s underwear right now. But one day…”
  9. “My hobby is to eat a lot and then sit on people.”
  10. “I think I might freak out a little bit if I ever discovered a disembowelled corpse in my bathtub again…”
  11. “People often mistake me for a male prostitute because I always wear t-shirts of famous boy bands – and I like it!”
  12. “I don’t care what people think they saw on my boob at Super Bowl — I’m not a Borg!”
  13. “I love grooming kittens but once a kitten becomes a ‘cat’ I get rid of the fu**er… Kittens rule – cats don’t!”
  14. “Being a successful producer is like making love to sheep: you have to know when to be stern or nothing gets done.”
  15. “I love dancing, painting, reading, cooking and pulling my nipples — and preferably all at the same time.”
  16. “Screw Greenpeace and treehuggers – my purpose in life is to make British teeth a fashion statement!”
  17. “In Canada I was a ‘horrific abomination of nature’… In LA I’m the ‘really freaky looking gay dude’ – b-e-t-t-e-r!”
  18. “I do realize that I’m starting to look more and more like a bag of bones – but my arse is still plump!”
  19. “I live in France because excessive wine and cheese induced flatulence isn’t frowned upon over there.”
  20. “I’m loved by many but also truly hated by the ones I have bitten.”
  21. “I was romantically linked to Rowan Atkinson when we taped our ‘Blackadder’ series’… But honestly, it was just about the sex!”
  22. “After killing my puppy with a hammer at age 3, I knew I wanted to be an actor because acting is just like lying!”
  23. “Eating out a woman is like eating Sushi, if you don’t need to chew more than a couple of times – it’s all good!”
  24. “Being a cocaine addict is a lot of work! I hate getting up stoned at 5 am to dance my arse off in the kitchen.”
  25. “I love my coffee and crack pipe first thing in the morning. It’s the choice breakfast of Hollywood actresses!”
  26. “Three blade razors rock! I’m hairier than a Bulgarian lumberjack and I have no razor burns – anywhere!”
  27. “My hobby is nipple piercing… Even my Rottweiler ‘Elzie’ has them – in all her eight nipples!”
  28. “I’m not ‘gay’… I’m just extremely ‘giddy’ and scratch myself a lot.”
  29. “Singing is my life! Getting gangbanged in the tour bus is good too, but singing is what really satisfies me.”
  30. “I only wear clothes sewn by child labour in India because them’ Indian kids need to eat too!”
  31. “Women love me because I’m funny and beautiful and because I can lick the logo off any golf ball.”
  32. “I love witchcraft and skinning small mammals… You can’t buy one, so I’m making my own hamster coat!”
  33. “I think I’m most famous for being able to fit one of my fists into my mouth.”
  34. “Black shiny bowling balls have fascinated me ever since I was a little girl. I love to hold balls up to my chin!”
  35. “I love the cafes of LA… I often just sit with a Latte and slowly move two fingers in and out my mouth.”
  36. “It brings me great joy to drive around in my Porsche and squish squirrels, raccoons and homeless people”
  37. “I’m sooo happy that I found someone to impregnate me. For once there will be something coming out of me!”
  38. “Being married to a biker dude rocks! When I have a ‘headache’ he just gets drunk and goes out and bangs some strippers.”
  39. “My parents groomed me hard as a child actor. They now live in a small, but quaint, cardboard box in Alabama.”
  40. “I’m married to a horse and my mother just won’t die… Of course I believe in hell!”
  41. “I have the second largest urinal cake collection in the world… It’s only topped by Quentin Tarantino’s!”
  42. “I’m so darned cute that even Clint Eastwood asked if he could do me!”
  43. “I go out to nightclubs and purposely fart around big gatherings in order to stir up fights. That’s how much I love boxing.”
  44. “Babies are so cool! Once you make your own you can do whatever heck you want with them!”
  45. “I’m the ultimate catch: I look great and I’m wicked in bed… I also bake the most amazing banana bread!”
  46. “I hope to one day meet a straight man that prefers cuddles over The Super Bowl, beer and chicken wings.”
  47. “I took up singing because I wanted to buy a canoe… You can’t make that money turning tricks in trailer parks!”
  48. “When I was just a little turd I used to dream that I would become the King of Namibia! Who freakin’ knew, eh?”
  49. “I love acting because there is always plenty of toilet paper to go around, even on the cheapest of sets!”
  50. “I love my lips! They help me suck the life essences out of my, and other women’s husbands.”
  51. “Ben Affleck’s first choice for someone to marry and have babies with — was me! Couldn’t do it… he’s a loser.”
  52. “I developed my dimples as a kid – I used to obsessively chew on things that I thought was black liquorice.”
  53. “I’m famous because of the ‘Black Eyed Peas’ and for being wet-nursed by my grandmother until I was 17.”
  54. “I will ‘die by the sword’ before reaching thirty, or get shot for something completely pointless, like wearing panties.”
  55. “I like the woman Paris Hilton very much. It was fun bonking someone with the same name as myself!”
  56. “I love Korean people, they are so cute! I love the funny way they talk and how they dance and wash themselves.”
  57. “Sometimes I like to overdose on PCP just so that I will be beaten by police and fondled by paramedics.”
  58. “I’m a huge Elvis fan! It’s wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I shaved off my sideburns.”
  59. “My greatest fears are the colour green and unexpectedly running out of batteries for my man-toy!”
  60. “I hope to be like Brad Pitt one day – rich and married to a woman with ridiculously big lips, bosom and buttocks!”
  61. “I love my pet goat ‘Pedro’ and he loves me, especially after I feed him ridiculous amounts of Viagra.”
  62. “I did the whole town of Corpus Christi as a teenager — even the one homeless guy living there. It came in handy when auditioning for Desperate Housewives!”
  63. “I had weird dream once where I died and Charles married a horse, and my sons turned in to drunken pothead nazis!”
  64. “Me being a ‘Sir’ doesn’t make me “Count Dracula”… Sucking Poodles dry is perfectly normal in the UK!”
  65. “I love getting stoned and then trying to tattoo myself with over-commercialized cartoon characters.”
  66. “Trust me! I’ve been on Donald Trump’s face more times than his zits — he wears a wig… I think…”
  67. “I only dye my pubes… No matter who you are – doing it with grandpa is not very hot. Soul Patrol!”
  68. “I look like your average grandpa and I’m hung like a toy poodle, but women still love me for my voice and wallet.”
  69. “Honestly… I’m a rare one amongst female tennis players: I’m beautiful, athletic and not a dyke!”
  70. “I lick things… That’s what I do… That’s who I am! My dream is to one day lick clean a whole Taco Bell restaurant!”
  71. “I’m called ‘the girl of a million faces’ even though I haven’t sat on nearly as many!”
  72. “New York is the melting pot for all the weirdos in the world. I love it because of my excessive sweat glands.”
  73. “I shhhneach cha chooohoko noala kaka… Kekiinhshae… wooonicha mammoiy… Ihadaaa Kurt Cobain killedaaaa.”
  74. “It was during the ‘Little House on the Prairie’ that I started my famous and very extensive collection of mouse droppings.”
  75. “It’s quite elementary – I rather suck on the men’s golf tour than be raped on the women’s one!”
  76. “It’s freaky… In high school I was voted most likely to contract herpes from a 79-year-old movie producer!”
  77. “I love being on tour except when the guys horse-around and force me to lick the backstage toilet seats.”
  78. “My name is ‘Keanu’ not ‘Neo’ you retarded bunch of never-to-be-laid-computer-geeks!”
  79. “Being an actress is great because you get to do neat stuff – like throwing up on Quentin Tarantino at parties!”
  80. “The love scene in Brokeback Mountain wasn’t that tough for me… Heath Ledger wasn’t really all that hard.”
  81. “I once accidentally sat down on a bowling pin, and I haven’t dated since. Men? Who needs them?”
  82. “I love designer clothes, stepping on small rodents and running naked through my neighbours’ sprinkler!”
  83. “I party so hard that ‘roofies’ only give me a slight buzz even after downing a quart of tequila for breakfast”
  84. “Working truck stops and doing ‘favours’ for truckers was rough on me… Thank God for plastic surgery and acting!”
  85. “I took up acting after getting my chin caught in an elevator door for three days – it really made me think!”
  86. “Even Trekkies have started hating me for all those untimely Star Trek reruns on television!”
  87. “When I marry, it will be to a man that leaves me feeling like a clubbed seal pup on our wedding night!”
  88. “I love Hawaii! The native women are stunning and there a lot of beautifully shaped coconuts to sit on!”
  89. “I don’t hate jews… I just don’t like em’ that’s all… I was drunk and stoned and hadn’t gotten laid in months, ok? I just didn’t know what I was saying!”
  90. “I would marry an Italian man if I could find one who wasn’t excessively hairy and in love with his mother.”
  91. “I suffer from a gastro infliction, which has emptied many West Wing sets… My gastro and acting brings my great joy!”
  92. “I love to cuddle with cute chicks that don’t eat too much corn that make them crap all over my sheets.”
  93. “You know you are famous when people play games like ‘Six Degrees of not doing Minnie Driver!’”
  94. “You know, I should be a miner… I can suck a diamond out of anything, even when lying on my back!”
  95. “One day I will record something that won’t make people puke out their car windows when I’m on the radio!”
  96. “I freaking hate elves… At Christmas time I travel the malls and kick them in the nuts!”
  97. “Ok, I might be over the hill as a footballer… But I still get to ball the porky chick from Spice Girls!”
  98. “When I’m drunk I’m either groping you or taking a dump on your lawn – live with it!”
  99. “The secret to my fascinating hairdo is employee spit… Whenever I need it fixed up — I fire one!”
  100. “It would make my wife very happy if Viagra also cured constipation and got rid oversized liver spots.”
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