- “Fall season is beautiful… I cry when I see the leaves turn and homeless people preparing their dens for winter.”
- “People are very nice to me and they call me nice names like ‘apple tart’ or ‘that sweet tart.’”
- “I throw parties… wild parties! Once I even had Barbara Walters take a dump in my pool – now that’s wild!”
- “Driving a race car isn’t anymore difficult than driving an SUV while doing your own bikini wax.”
- “I prayed to God and I sold my soul to Satan at the same time, and the Germans ended up loving me!”
- “There’s a guy out there for me… A sweet guy who plays the guitar, cooks and doesn’t wear my pantyhose.”
- “As a counsellor in a maximum-security prison I saw enough dirty tattoos to last me a life time. I just loved them!”
- “On an acting scale I’m nothing more than a skidmark in Tom Cruise’s underwear right now. But one day…”
- “My hobby is to eat a lot and then sit on people.”
- “I think I might freak out a little bit if I ever discovered a disembowelled corpse in my bathtub again…”
- “People often mistake me for a male prostitute because I always wear t-shirts of famous boy bands – and I like it!”
- “I don’t care what people think they saw on my boob at Super Bowl — I’m not a Borg!”
- “I love grooming kittens but once a kitten becomes a ‘cat’ I get rid of the fu**er… Kittens rule – cats don’t!”
- “Being a successful producer is like making love to sheep: you have to know when to be stern or nothing gets done.”
- “I love dancing, painting, reading, cooking and pulling my nipples — and preferably all at the same time.”
- “Screw Greenpeace and treehuggers – my purpose in life is to make British teeth a fashion statement!”
- “In Canada I was a ‘horrific abomination of nature’… In LA I’m the ‘really freaky looking gay dude’ – b-e-t-t-e-r!”
- “I do realize that I’m starting to look more and more like a bag of bones – but my arse is still plump!”
- “I live in France because excessive wine and cheese induced flatulence isn’t frowned upon over there.”
- “I’m loved by many but also truly hated by the ones I have bitten.”
- “I was romantically linked to Rowan Atkinson when we taped our ‘Blackadder’ series’… But honestly, it was just about the sex!”
- “After killing my puppy with a hammer at age 3, I knew I wanted to be an actor because acting is just like lying!”
- “Eating out a woman is like eating Sushi, if you don’t need to chew more than a couple of times – it’s all good!”
- “Being a cocaine addict is a lot of work! I hate getting up stoned at 5 am to dance my arse off in the kitchen.”
- “I love my coffee and crack pipe first thing in the morning. It’s the choice breakfast of Hollywood actresses!”
- “Three blade razors rock! I’m hairier than a Bulgarian lumberjack and I have no razor burns – anywhere!”
- “My hobby is nipple piercing… Even my Rottweiler ‘Elzie’ has them – in all her eight nipples!”
- “I’m not ‘gay’… I’m just extremely ‘giddy’ and scratch myself a lot.”
- “Singing is my life! Getting gangbanged in the tour bus is good too, but singing is what really satisfies me.”
- “I only wear clothes sewn by child labour in India because them’ Indian kids need to eat too!”
- “Women love me because I’m funny and beautiful and because I can lick the logo off any golf ball.”
- “I love witchcraft and skinning small mammals… You can’t buy one, so I’m making my own hamster coat!”
- “I think I’m most famous for being able to fit one of my fists into my mouth.”
- “Black shiny bowling balls have fascinated me ever since I was a little girl. I love to hold balls up to my chin!”
- “I love the cafes of LA… I often just sit with a Latte and slowly move two fingers in and out my mouth.”
- “It brings me great joy to drive around in my Porsche and squish squirrels, raccoons and homeless people”
- “I’m sooo happy that I found someone to impregnate me. For once there will be something coming out of me!”
- “Being married to a biker dude rocks! When I have a ‘headache’ he just gets drunk and goes out and bangs some strippers.”
- “My parents groomed me hard as a child actor. They now live in a small, but quaint, cardboard box in Alabama.”
- “I’m married to a horse and my mother just won’t die… Of course I believe in hell!”
- “I have the second largest urinal cake collection in the world… It’s only topped by Quentin Tarantino’s!”
- “I’m so darned cute that even Clint Eastwood asked if he could do me!”
- “I go out to nightclubs and purposely fart around big gatherings in order to stir up fights. That’s how much I love boxing.”
- “Babies are so cool! Once you make your own you can do whatever heck you want with them!”
- “I’m the ultimate catch: I look great and I’m wicked in bed… I also bake the most amazing banana bread!”
- “I hope to one day meet a straight man that prefers cuddles over The Super Bowl, beer and chicken wings.”
- “I took up singing because I wanted to buy a canoe… You can’t make that money turning tricks in trailer parks!”
- “When I was just a little turd I used to dream that I would become the King of Namibia! Who freakin’ knew, eh?”
- “I love acting because there is always plenty of toilet paper to go around, even on the cheapest of sets!”
- “I love my lips! They help me suck the life essences out of my, and other women’s husbands.”
- “Ben Affleck’s first choice for someone to marry and have babies with — was me! Couldn’t do it… he’s a loser.”
- “I developed my dimples as a kid – I used to obsessively chew on things that I thought was black liquorice.”
- “I’m famous because of the ‘Black Eyed Peas’ and for being wet-nursed by my grandmother until I was 17.”
- “I will ‘die by the sword’ before reaching thirty, or get shot for something completely pointless, like wearing panties.”
- “I like the woman Paris Hilton very much. It was fun bonking someone with the same name as myself!”
- “I love Korean people, they are so cute! I love the funny way they talk and how they dance and wash themselves.”
- “Sometimes I like to overdose on PCP just so that I will be beaten by police and fondled by paramedics.”
- “I’m a huge Elvis fan! It’s wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I shaved off my sideburns.”
- “My greatest fears are the colour green and unexpectedly running out of batteries for my man-toy!”
- “I hope to be like Brad Pitt one day – rich and married to a woman with ridiculously big lips, bosom and buttocks!”
- “I love my pet goat ‘Pedro’ and he loves me, especially after I feed him ridiculous amounts of Viagra.”
- “I did the whole town of Corpus Christi as a teenager — even the one homeless guy living there. It came in handy when auditioning for Desperate Housewives!”
- “I had weird dream once where I died and Charles married a horse, and my sons turned in to drunken pothead nazis!”
- “Me being a ‘Sir’ doesn’t make me “Count Dracula”… Sucking Poodles dry is perfectly normal in the UK!”
- “I love getting stoned and then trying to tattoo myself with over-commercialized cartoon characters.”
- “Trust me! I’ve been on Donald Trump’s face more times than his zits — he wears a wig… I think…”
- “I only dye my pubes… No matter who you are – doing it with grandpa is not very hot. Soul Patrol!”
- “I look like your average grandpa and I’m hung like a toy poodle, but women still love me for my voice and wallet.”
- “Honestly… I’m a rare one amongst female tennis players: I’m beautiful, athletic and not a dyke!”
- “I lick things… That’s what I do… That’s who I am! My dream is to one day lick clean a whole Taco Bell restaurant!”
- “I’m called ‘the girl of a million faces’ even though I haven’t sat on nearly as many!”
- “New York is the melting pot for all the weirdos in the world. I love it because of my excessive sweat glands.”
- “I shhhneach cha chooohoko noala kaka… Kekiinhshae… wooonicha mammoiy… Ihadaaa Kurt Cobain killedaaaa.”
- “It was during the ‘Little House on the Prairie’ that I started my famous and very extensive collection of mouse droppings.”
- “It’s quite elementary – I rather suck on the men’s golf tour than be raped on the women’s one!”
- “It’s freaky… In high school I was voted most likely to contract herpes from a 79-year-old movie producer!”
- “I love being on tour except when the guys horse-around and force me to lick the backstage toilet seats.”
- “My name is ‘Keanu’ not ‘Neo’ you retarded bunch of never-to-be-laid-computer-geeks!”
- “Being an actress is great because you get to do neat stuff – like throwing up on Quentin Tarantino at parties!”
- “The love scene in Brokeback Mountain wasn’t that tough for me… Heath Ledger wasn’t really all that hard.”
- “I once accidentally sat down on a bowling pin, and I haven’t dated since. Men? Who needs them?”
- “I love designer clothes, stepping on small rodents and running naked through my neighbours’ sprinkler!”
- “I party so hard that ‘roofies’ only give me a slight buzz even after downing a quart of tequila for breakfast”
- “Working truck stops and doing ‘favours’ for truckers was rough on me… Thank God for plastic surgery and acting!”
- “I took up acting after getting my chin caught in an elevator door for three days – it really made me think!”
- “Even Trekkies have started hating me for all those untimely Star Trek reruns on television!”
- “When I marry, it will be to a man that leaves me feeling like a clubbed seal pup on our wedding night!”
- “I love Hawaii! The native women are stunning and there a lot of beautifully shaped coconuts to sit on!”
- “I don’t hate jews… I just don’t like em’ that’s all… I was drunk and stoned and hadn’t gotten laid in months, ok? I just didn’t know what I was saying!”
- “I would marry an Italian man if I could find one who wasn’t excessively hairy and in love with his mother.”
- “I suffer from a gastro infliction, which has emptied many West Wing sets… My gastro and acting brings my great joy!”
- “I love to cuddle with cute chicks that don’t eat too much corn that make them crap all over my sheets.”
- “You know you are famous when people play games like ‘Six Degrees of not doing Minnie Driver!’”
- “You know, I should be a miner… I can suck a diamond out of anything, even when lying on my back!”
- “One day I will record something that won’t make people puke out their car windows when I’m on the radio!”
- “I freaking hate elves… At Christmas time I travel the malls and kick them in the nuts!”
- “Ok, I might be over the hill as a footballer… But I still get to ball the porky chick from Spice Girls!”
- “When I’m drunk I’m either groping you or taking a dump on your lawn – live with it!”
- “The secret to my fascinating hairdo is employee spit… Whenever I need it fixed up — I fire one!”
- “It would make my wife very happy if Viagra also cured constipation and got rid oversized liver spots.”
