Ways to trap a mermaid

  1. Rub yourself all over with a smoked mackerel and swim around like a wounded seal pup.
  2. Serenade the ocean using 1980′s power ballads, without throwing up and polluting the water.
  3. Catch her uncle, the giant haddock, and hold him ransom.
  4. Eat a huge bowl of chilli and pretend to be part of an oil slick.
  5. Put a big fat piece of kielbasa in your butt; swim on your back while pretending to be a beluga whale looking for a mate.
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