What I would hate to see written about myself in the papers

  1. He was wearing a pink leotard when he went missing during hurricane Flossie.
  2. He lost his penis in a horrific accident while attending a monster truck show.
  3. He got naked with a bar of soap, and got mauled by a beer, during the Perseid meteor shower.
  4. He was today sentenced to 3 days community service for biting Jessica Alba’s butt.
  5. He only pretended to be trapped in the mine in order to get a day off.
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