Why most people won’t degrade themselves by becoming Hollywood celebrity assistants

  1. Booking “just the right” airline ticket and hotel room for the rat-faced bastard because he or she is supposedly too busy “networking” (throwing up in yet another punchbowl at yet another celebrity party).
  2. Setting up seven martini lunches with other celebrity’s assistants who act snootier than you do. Nothing ever gets decided on until the Association of Celebrity Personal Assistants (ACPA) seniority pecking order has been established, and of course before coming to an agreement on who of your celebrities are more in the tabloids (more important) at the moment.
  3. Taking all those new (quote: “scary but pretty-looking…”) toilet paper designs for a test drive because your emperor or empress doesn’t want untested and potentially debilitating things near their sphincter.
  4. In the feature film movie credits you get listed after the seamstress, caterer, pool boy, cleaning lady and the mentally challenged (but sweet) guy that tended to pets.
  5. Pre-chewing and spoon-feeding scrambled eggs and bacon to your master or mistress when they are too hung-over or stoned in the morning to move even one jaw muscle.
  6. Embarrassing negotiations with prostitutes and pimps regarding depraved sexual acts that you used to perform for free before “earning your stripes (literally)” and being accepted into the Association of Celebrity Personal Assistants (ACPA).
  7. Being laughed at by the press, when standing in for the designated public relations person, and trying to spin “fucking Jew” into “didgeridoo” even thought it was all caught on camera by several bipartisan and respected organizations affiliated with the United Nations.
  8. You have to suffer through years of humiliation before you get a courtesy executive producer credit for a pointless documentary that nobody except your friends and family will see the credits of.
  9. Trying to convince yourself that you are doing something really “important” and “difficult” even though everyone on the planet knows that you are as easily replaced as a makeshift butt-plug in a back alley adult movie production.
  10. Getting fired for completely losing perspective and a sense of humor (which happens to all personal assistants eventually, due to mindless multi-tasking of insignificant shit) and bringing attention to something that nobody would have ever noticed had you not lit a huge neon sign over it.
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